How to Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape
by rainbowpanget
Summary: What was upon the parchment did, indeed, give the twins good reason to scheme and cackle, for it was a brief but effective list entitled, “21 Ways To Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape”." -silly, a bit pointless, really-
1. Chapter 1

**21 Ways to Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Note to the readers: Take in the title. This story doesn't necessitate that I hate Snape. He's just easy to annoy, and I'm playing on the boldness of the twins to proceed with caution thrown to the winds here. :)) So take no offense, this is one of my sillyfics done at about 1AM, written to take the edge off. If one looks for a story a touch more serious, check out the other ones then. :D**

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**BEGIN**

Fred and George were walking past the halls of Hogwarts. It was Christmas break, and yet the two had opted to stay at the school for the holidays. The excuse they'd used was extra schoolwork and some detentions, although the fact of the matter was, they were perfecting some of their latest creations for the Weasely's Wizard Wheezes.

Doing their routine sweep along the corridors they frequented, namely the ones that led to the secret passages of the vast school castle, they chattered with a bit of flair, bouncing ideas back and forth, taking delight in the fact that not many teachers passed these areas. They found that passing by these places gave them the opportunity and inspiration to come up with great Joke Items.

They passed an empty classroom, and George, his mischief senses tingling, elbowed Fred in the side and pointed out the seemingly vacant classroom.

Mischief sparking, they strained their ears, and heard the characteristic grumbling of Filch, the castle caretaker. Muttering about Peeves setting off a dungbomb in the seemingly empty classroom, he walked out to presumably get some cleaning materials. The two swiftly ducked behind a suit of armor, holding their breaths waiting till he left.

Just as his coat-tails whipped past the corner, they saw a ratty piece of parchment fall out of his pocket. Remembering what they had found last time they had supposedly borrowed a piece of parchment from Filch, George's eyes glinted with mischief.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, brother?" George asked, as he noticed that his brother had spotted the piece of parchment as well.

Simultaneous nods, and they ducked out of their hiding place to pick up the scrap of paper.

Keen to avoid prying eyes, specifically the lamplike eyes of Mrs. Norris, they hastily returned to the Boy's Dorm, which was mercifully empty, and set out to read the intriguing piece of parchment.

Identical grins slowly formed on the pair's faces, as they read each line that was hastily scrawled upon the ratty piece of parchment, and devious plans began forming in their heads.

What was upon the parchment did, indeed, give the twins good reason to scheme and cackle, for it was a brief but effective list entitled, 21 Ways To Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape .

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_1. Steal his wand from under his nose and wave it in has face screaming Uti, non abuti (To use, not abuse.)_

_2. Sing "Thriller" every time he walks into the bathroom._

_3. Hug him in front of the whole school._

_4. When he goes around the school, hum the "Imperial March" tune very loudly._

_5. Find his diary, or if not, use Legilimency to find his deepest, darkest secrets._

_6. Bewitch the Knight s Armors in each corridor to say them out loud every time someone passes and he is in the corridor._

_7. Buy Fred and George's "Super Glue that cannot Be Un-stuck by Magical Means" (Fred and George cackled loudly at this one, knowing full well that the person who had written this was probably a customer of theirs.)_

_8. Put it in his 'hair grease', since everyone knows that he never washes his hair and does not have shampoo._

_9. After he shaves his head bald, and after his hands finally 'un-stick', put a charm on it so it wont grow back._

_10. Exclaim loudly, "It's alright! You look just like Voldykins now!"_

_11. Record yourself saying that and send the tape to Voldemort. Or better yet, bewitch one of your enemies to say it, then express mail the tape to Ralph Fienne---err.. Lord Voldy.._

_12. Come into class carrying a pink lacy panty with the words "Snape loves Mrs Norris"_

_13. Tell him, while holding it up for all the world to see, "Sir, I believe this is yours, I thought you might like it back?"_

_14. Give the panty to Filch._

_15. At the Christmas party, hum the Jaws theme song as he drinks each glass of wine._

_16. Switch his wine with Tequilla_

_17. Spike the Tequilla with laxatives, but bewitch the laxatives to set in after 1 night only, during his class the next day._

_18. Apologize to him and burst into tears then collapse._

_19. Repeat as needed._

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A/N: Dedication to Valen123456 for the tip #1 inspiration! If this may be harsh in any way, please note that it is done in good humor. Feel free to point out where I made errors. This is all for the readers, anyway!

**Thanks to MaximumFANGirlz **for pointing out my error in that Snape never washes his head, although your username is a bit disturbing. *offers free cookies*

**Thanks to Wudelfin,** whom I PMed and your review gave me the idea to work it into a real story, since I forgot that lists aren't allowed.

**Flamers are welcome. i expect a lot of flames for this, seeing as its kind of stupid and a tad pointless, but its humor all the same. Hope it took the edge off for you guys as much as it had me when I wrote it. Now off to do more serious stories! :))

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Cheers!

--Pinka14


	2. Chapter 2

**21 Ways to Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape**

**A/N: I wasn't sure if I should post a second chapter, but an actual scene wherein Fred and George enact their plan of vengeance would be silly.. So here goes!

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**Chapter 2

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"Oy, what're you two planning without me? Time to get down to the feast, boys, you'll get the bad seats!"

Lee Jordan, the twins' best friend called over to them before exiting through the Portrait Hole.

It was the Christmas Feast, and the Weasely twins had been the last to go down, staying up in the common room and polishing their scheme that was to be put into action that very night.

"What do you think, Fred?" his brother asked him, as they went through their plans one last time.

"It's just about right, c'mon, we deserve full stomachs for this last one." Fred replied, and the two trooped down to the Feast, lighthearted with the feeling of elation they normally got before one of their schemes played out well.

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The Christmas feast; to most, just a time to relax before the upcoming onslaught of schoolwork after the holidays, but to the most devious of troublemakers, namely the Weasely twins, it was the perfect time to exact the final blow of pranks as revenge for their previous detentions.

To whom were they exacting revenge upon, you ask? None other than the bat-like Professor Snape, who had granted them so many detentions, because, they suspected, of their team taking the lead in the Quidditch Rankings.

These pranks that they'd planned, and enacted previously, had all come from a single list (with some of their own modifications of course) that they found at the start of Christmas Break.

George shuddered, remembering when they had tried to pull off the part in getting Snape to shave his head with their Krazy Glue, but that plan had resulted in the disgusting toilet detention because they had accidentally sent the snapshot to The Daily Prophet, instead of the Muggle Bruce Willis like they had planned.

It had stated on the list to send it to Voldemort, but they had known it was only sarcasm, since no one would dare to actually send it to the Dark Lord.

Now, however, they were sure that this plan was failsafe, because if all went well, their Professor would be too preoccupied to wonder if it actually was a prank.

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The Christmas Feast was one of the more joyous ones compared to the past year, since many of the students had stayed behind to accomplish their overloaded schoolwork. The Four House Tables were not in use, but the two long tables were taken out to accommodate the 400-some students who had stayed behind, different houses mingling together.

Fred and George sat amidst their friends, Lee Jordan and some other boys in their year, along with what was left of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.

"What're you so happy 'bout?" Angelina Johnson asked the two, after they laughed excitedly, shooting expectant looks up to the teacher's table.

With mischievous grins, the two filled her and Lee Jordan, who had stopped by to listen, on the basic plot that was about to come into fruition.

The four snickered at the possible outcomes of the twins' schemes, as Dumbledore waved his wand to bring out the traditional crackers.

The room was cloaked in separate puffs of color, as the crackers floated past each student and random people grabbed and pulled the ends of each, only to be enveloped in smoke, having their festive prize fall upon their heads.

As the first years were having fun with theirs, and the ghosts were swooping about the Great Hall, which had been festooned with Christmas trees and decorations, the four watched excitedly as Snape pulled on one of the crackers that floated up to him innocently.

**Bang!**

The resounding crack that came from its namesake, the Christmas cracker, could not muffle the noise of the toy wand waving under their Professor's large and crooked nose, his eyes narrowing to slits as the toy screamed at him,

"**Uti non abuti!!Uti non abuti!!"**

It repeated that, like a mantra, several times before squeaking into a rubber chicken. The room broke into gales of laughter, all of which coming from the students and teachers, none of which were coming from Professor Snape.

His eyes bulged in his head, and Fred and George explained to their friends quietly,

"We timed the laxatives in his Pumpkin Pie to take effect only after the wand screamed at him!"

The section of that table broke out into hearty gales of laughter upon hearing this, and toasted their goblets to each other as the Professor they had been watching ran out of the Hall as fast as he could, and only they knew that he was heading for the bathroom.

The twins, who were sitting near the teacher's table, broke into mischievous grins for probably the tenth time that night, as they heard the following conversation take place.

"Wherever could Snape be going?" a curios Hagrid asked, plopping the witch's hat he'd gotten from a cracker down on the head of Professor McGonagall, who hiccupped in surprise.

"Snape..who?" squeaked Professor Flitwick, who'd had a drink too many and toppled off his chair.

"Maybe he was embarrassed by that wand shouting at him," replied Professor Sprout curiously.

"I wonder what it could have...hic...possibly meant?" Flitwick interjected once more, climbing back onto his chair, a bit red in the face.

"Uti non abuti means 'To use, Not abuse' in Latin, my friends," replied Dumbledore with a twinkling smile, as he looked pointedly at the twins who grinned back sheepishly.

"Although I doubt that the wand was the reason he ran out of the hall, I am sure that Professor Snape won't be touching anymore Pumpkin Pies after this Christmas!"

Dumbledore winked down at the twins who grinned, satisfied that their escapade went well, and only their friends and the headmaster knew that they were behind it.

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After the feast, and the twins were finally retreating to their dormitories, George remarked,

"Isn't it quite ironic, brother, that the revenge for our toilet scrubbing was to cause some more excrement to be dirtying the toilet?"

"Ah, yes, but so long as we're not the ones cleaning said excrement from the toilet, I am fine with that. At least we went easy on him this time, the laxative will only last for about an hour at most. Oh well, it was a brilliant plan, was it not, brother?"

However, it wasn't the irony of the situation, but the sounds coming from the teachers bathroom that they had just passed, that made the two boys' sleep content and happy that night, knowing that the expensive amount of laxative that they acquired was now paying off.

"You know brother, I think this gives me an idea for an anti-constipation agent. U-No-Poo, maybe?"

"You have an idea there brother! Let's discuss it in the morning."

And with that, Fred and George dozed, having garnered a potential business idea, content with the success of the night.

**FIN**

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Silly. Like I said. Extremely Silly. :)) Review!


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